We call it paranoia
My anxiety manifests in little things. We call it Paranoia in our house.
Was the oven turned off? Nobody used it.
… Let’s go back upstairs to make sure.
What time do we have to get to work tonight? It’s a Friday, so, same time as every Friday.
…Let’s double check just in case.
Now I stand scrutinizing two carry on bags, both of which are very close to fitting in the parameters of the airline requirements— but one which is 2 cm too tall and one which is 2 cm too wide.
So I just stand and stare.
What are you supposed to do with that, my anxiety itches crazily. You have to just bring a backpack! Be stressed about having nothing with you in a foreign country rather than stress at the airport!
My mind goes back and forth. They wouldn’t possibly measure it, would they? TWO CENTIMETERS? That seems insane that they would check. But wouldn't they? I haven’t gone out of the county for a long time.
They’re probably more concerned with the weight. No, no. No. Don’t think about that just yet.
First pick a bag. Then pack. THEN weigh it.
Anxiety rakes across my sweet nerves that want nothing more than to be submerged again in the ocean. You know, this wouldn’t stress you out if you were a calm person. Happier. If you worked harder to be who you wanted to be and had achieved success in your chosen field. If you were singing. Paranoia probably would not even cross your mind if you were only good enough.
I push the thoughts away. I’m anxious about the bag because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust the world to catch me. I don’t trust that I won’t freak out if things don’t go according to plan. I don’t trust that everything is okay. That everything is always okay. That it will be okay regardless of if they charge me some fee. That it will be okay and it has nothing to do with which bag I pick to accompany me to Paris.
I close my eyes and breathe. The cars in the distance sound like waves. I throw myself back in the water.
We call it paranoia. It’s just not trusting.
Yes. Trust. Party.
with joy and confetti,
Alexa